So Cal Story - It's Not Right, But It's OK (12/10/05)

(Written 12/10/05)

I wanted to say "thank you" to those of you that reached out to me after my last "So Cal" story to make sure I was doing ok. I probably should have started the story with an explanation of why I decided to share such a personal story in the first place and explained where I'm at (so-to-speak) emotionally now so as not to worry anyone, but I didn't, so my bad.

In a previous story I spoke of going to see comedian Julia Sweeny do a monolog about religion. The first time I went to see her I was with Allan and a friend of ours who happens to be a former "child star" that now has a successful career as a voice-over artist. After the show our friend requested that we wait in the theater to see if Julia was going to come out and visit with the audience. Sure enough she did, and the scene was really comical and embarrassing at the same time. My friend started rambling on to her about how she was "killing him softly" with her story (um, yeah) and then "casually" mentioned that he used to be on television as well and that they really should "do lunch" sometime. Allan & I were standing to the side trying to not be noticed when he then pointed at us and said that he was here with his friends - I've never wanted to be invisible more than that exact moment. Anyhow, we move in closer as do some other audience members and she is telling us about how the show came about and whatnot. Part of the monolog described how she had gone through a bad breakup and was completely heartbroken. One night she was particularly upset and praying to God asking him to please help her feel better when she had a "vision". I can't recall exactly what happened next, but it had really struck me that she was SO BRAVE for being so honest in telling her story - not only about the "vision", but about other aspects of her life as well. Sure, some of it could have been made up, but most people wouldn't admit to something like that happening regardless if it was true or not. So I mentioned to her that I write stories about my life that I share with a group of people via email and that sometimes I struggle with how honest to be. I asked her if it was hard for her to not only put it down on paper, but then to share it night after night with a bunch of strangers. She told me (and I am paraphrasing) that yeah, at first it is hard to know how much to share but that in telling the personal stuff it becomes less about her and the emotions and it becomes the details that are part of the story (or something like that).

True, I am not standing on a set and telling 100 random strangers the personal details of my life, but in talking/writing about my uncle my hope was that it would help me look at the situation, figure out what I felt about it, put it in writing and then move on - the details would just become part of my own personal story. While it might be painful or embarrassing to expose the details of the difficulties I have encountered along the way, what I got out of what she said to me was that in doing so it might become less painful/embarrassing if I could just look at it as one of the many stories about my life. And it has. I honestly haven't even thought about my uncle, his cancer, our past or any of the details of it since writing that story except to reply to some of your posts. So again, I apologize if the story was a big "over-share" or if I caused you to be concerned, but I figured that if I was going to take the time to write these stories about the things I have experienced, the struggles I face, the things I am passionate about, or interested in than I might as well be honest.

So where am I right now? I am extremely happy. Sure, I hate my job and feel like I have clue-none where my life is going, but I have a person in my life that loves me more than I ever thought I could be loved and my kids live with me, so I can’t ask for much more. My only complaint is that it seems like I am losing touch with my “gayness” and the gay community. Sure, I’m a big queen and it would be impossible to lose it completely, but being a part of the football booster club and having my social life consisting solely of going to high school & pee-wee football games makes it hard to keep up with what is fabulous. So I am also in a place where I am trying to find some balance between providing a safe, nurturing environment for my kids where they can thrive and (hopefully) become decent adults, developing my relationship with Allan, figuring out what my life means and where it’s going, and most of all being true to myself. Part of that process is writing these stories and examining what is going on in my head and heart, and then sharing it with people that I consider to be my friends and family. So thank you for listening. I chose this song as the title of this story because some of what I’ve been through is not right, but I really am ok.

Also, one of you wrote and said that you weren’t sure how to respond sometimes to my stories – do I want feedback? Am I looking for a discussion? Are you just supposed to listen? The answer is completely up to you. Yes, I’d love feedback and if I get enough responses to a particular story I’d love to have a “discussion” about it, but if you just want to listen that is fine as well. Some of you have been getting these “stories” from the beginning and I used to send out surveys every once in a while and would then write stories based on your responses – let me know if you’d be interested in participating and I might do that again.