Mother May I? (03/19/03)

Written 03/19/03

My mother sent me this recently and I had a weird reaction to it. This is what she sent:

"When I am an old Lady

When I'm an old lady, I'll live with each kid,
And bring so much happiness, just as they did.
I want to pay back all the joy they've provided.
Returning each deed! Oh, they'll be so excited!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

I'll write on the wall with reds, whites and blues,
And I'll bounce on the furniture, wearing my shoes.
I'll drink from the carton and then leave it out.
I'll stuff all the toilets and oh, how they'll shout!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

When they're on the phone and just out of reach,
I'll get into things like sugar and bleach.
Oh, they'll snap their fingers and then shake their head,
And when that is done, I'll hide under the bed!
(When I'm an old ladyand live with my kids)

When they cook dinner and call me to eat,
I'll not eat my green beans or salad or meat,
I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table,
And when they get angry, I'll run, if I'm able!
(When I'm an old lady and live with mykids)

I'll sit close to the TV, through the channels I'll click,
I'll cross both eyes just to see if they stick.
I'll take off my socksand throw one away,
And play in the mud 'til the end of the day!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

And later in bed, I'll lay back and sigh,
I'll thank God in prayer and then close my eyes.
My kids will look downwith a smile slowly creeping,
And say with a groan, "She's so sweet whenshe's sleeping!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

God bless all Mothers and Grandmothers everywhere"

Ok, so my first thought is - does she even remember if I behaved that way? I mean really, was she ever not drunk enough to even know if I was playing in the mud? So after some thought I decided that should my mother come to live with me I would just follow her lead. I'll go out every night after work and get hammered and totally forget to take care of her needs.

Do I sound bitter?

So Cal Story - You Make Me Sick (04/25/05)

Written 04/25/05

Well, I know I promised to be better about writing, but as they say, promises were made to be broken. It seems the more I think about writing the busier my life becomes and I just don't make the time for it that I should. However, with the changes that have been happening in my life I may yet become better at it.

The problem I have been having lately with writing is not just that I don't have time, but also that my brain just hasn't seemed to have had the capacity to put together a string of thoughts to form a story. I was always tired, didn't feel good, and by the time I got home from work I was mentally and physically exhausted. I had put on a bunch of weight - in fact, I was at the heaviest I had ever been in my life - and basically just felt like shit all of the time. So, when suddenly I started losing weight without exercising or changing my diet I suspected something was up. Sure enough, a quick trip to the doctor confirmed that indeed something was up - my blood sugar levels, cholesterol levels and all sorts of things that I had never given much thought to. Turns out eating Hostess cupcakes, Snickers, ice cream and cinnamon rolls wasn't a good thing for me - who knew? Here I thought I could pretty much eat whatever I wanted whenever I wanted and that it would have no consequences. Unfortunately diabetes runs in my family and there I sat as my doctor told me that I have it. A week later my blood test results confirmed that my blood was basically a river of fat and sugar.

After freaking out momentarily I decided that not all was bad. I had already lost over 30 lbs, so I was on my way. The day before my diagnosis I had put a new road bike on lay-away and I decided that if all I had to do to get healthy was change my diet and start exercising then it would be ok. My doctor put me on medication for diabetes and cholesterol - I went back two weeks later and my blood sugar levels had gone from 380 something to 101 - which is a good thing. It appears I am on my way to getting better and I feel 1000 times better then I have in many, many years. I don't have headaches like I used to - I actually feel better after I eat - I have more energy - and I have been sleeping better. I still have a very long way to go, but I feel pretty good about the progress I've made in the past few weeks and I am committed to getting myself healthy. In fact, I went out this morning and picked up my new bike and took it (and Allan, Justin and Andrew) for a spin this afternoon - it is AWESOME and I couldn't be happier about my new purchase. My intention is to start riding it to work (which is about 4 miles each way) to help me get in the habit of riding again. I've attached some pictures - maybe someone can help me name it.

The other change that is going on in my life involves my marriage and kids. I don't know if everyone knows this or not, but my "ex" wife & I never got a divorce. There were many reason, but the main one was that she wanted to stay married for health benefit reasons and I didn't care because it wasn't like my boyfriend & I could run out and get married - it's against the law - right? So to me it really didn't matter for the longest time. Then, one day I was having a post-relationship conversation with an ex-boyfriend and he told me that one of the reasons he could never really take our relationship seriously was because I was still married and that he felt that we could never really combine our lives financially or otherwise because of that fact. It had never occurred to me that it would be an issue (yes, sometimes I am the last to arrive at the party) - in fact, I thought maybe it would add to the allure - you know, the guy would like the idea of sleeping with a "married man". But, as per usual, I was wrong. It's been over 10 years since Maryellen & I split up and you know what, it is just time. So, back in March I filed for divorce. Actually, I had Allan serve her the papers (he's such a trooper) and if all goes according to plan I will be officially divorced in October.

Around the same time I got a call from Maryellen and it turns out that, surprise, surprise, Andrew isn't doing well in school, he's been suspended twice this year - once for fighting and once for "harassment and intimidation". Allan & I had been discussing the possibility of Andrew coming to live with us for a little while now - his personality was starting to change (along with his height and voice) - he was becoming kind of withdrawn and seemed depressed. Anyhow, long story short, I just found out last night that she has agreed to let him come live with us. At the end of July he starts on the pop-warner football team here in Burbank. We are excited and scared - we really think this will be the best thing for him, yet we know it wont be the easiest thing. He seems happy about it too, so hopefully it will all work out. Allan has been absolutely AMAZING about all of this. To think, when I met him he lived here by himself and then first me, then Mary, then Justin, then Buster and now Andrew. I am constantly wondering what exactly it is that I did to deserve him.

So there you go. I am hoping that now that I am removing the sugar from my blood my brain will regain the ability to write again. Yes, with Andrew coming my time will probably be even more stretched, but I am hoping that I can make the time to be better about keeping in touch. I hope all is well with all of you!!

So Cal Story - Travelin' Thru

"I can't tell you where I'm goin
I'm not sure of where I've been
But I know I must keep travelin
'till my road comes to an end
I'm out here on my journey
tryin to make the most of it
I'm a puzzle I must figure out
where all my pieces fit..."

"Travelin' Thru" - Dolly Parton

So yeah, it's been a while and no, I don't have a good excuse - I have just been living and working. A few weeks ago I was checking out iTunes and I came across the song by Dolly Parton called "Travelin' Thru" from the movie "Transamerica" that was nominated for an Academy Award. I haven't seen the movie, but it is high on my list because I love Felicity and a woman playing a man wanting to become a woman seems interesting to me. Recently we got DVR and I have been recording Ellen daily - on Saturday's when he's with me Andrew & I lay in bed and get caught up. Dolly was on Ellen's show one day and performed the song live - I was so disappointed it didn't win the Oscar. Sure, I saw "Hustle & Flow" and that song was good, but Dolly was robbed - her simple song about trying to find your way through life was way better than the rap song about a pimp. Now I am all about the pimps & ho's, but even I can see that the Academy got it all wrong (and don't EVEN get me started about "Crash" winning Best Picture - that movie annoyed the Hell out of me). So I decided that this story would be about journey's.

I'll start with some traveling I've done lately. It seems as if I have been going places lately. As you know in January I went to Vegas for the Miss America pageant. I went to San Luis Obispo in February for a weekend to visit Allan's parents. I so love it there - if I could live anywhere it would be there or the Bay area. We went to the beach to see the sea lions and basically just hung out. One of my favorite things to do with Allan is road trips - we bring stuff to read to each other and basically just talk and listen to music. We stopped in Santa Barbara and had lunch at this Italian deli he has been going to with his family for years and it was awesome. We brought our dogs on that trip and they seem to like it too. I also went to San Francisco in February as well. I had received a gift certificate for Southwest airlines for X-mas and I decided to take a weekend and visit a few of my favorite people in the world in my favorite city in the world. Unfortunately my "Hoochie Mama" was sick, but I did get to spend some time with my girlfriends Jane & Dawn and also my friend and one-time roommate Drew. I was there for 2 days and made the most of it. After arriving on Friday I shopped at the Old Navy & Gap flagship stores, had lunch with Drew and my sister Gina and heard all about his trek through Annapurna - it sounded like the adventure of a lifetime and only made me think my friend is even more amazing than I already knew - he truly is one of the the most amazing people I know. Saturday I went to brunch with Jane & Dawn and it was another wonderful experience. Even though I haven't seen either of them in quite some time I immediately felt just like I used to when I would see them every day. We ate good food, had great conversation (I will never look at Tiffany jewelry the same way again now that I know what women do to get it :-p ), and had awesome bloody Mary's - it was a great way to spend a spectacular Saturday afternoon. I also spent time with my sister that lives in the Bay area and we had a good visit as well - we shopped for her wedding dress and shoes and it was a lot of fun. This past weekend Allan, Justin & I went to visit Allan's brother up in the high desert area. We only stayed for a few hours but it was a beautiful drive as it was snowing for part of it and it's been FOREVER since I have been in a snow storm.

In April I am going to go to the Bay area again to pick my kids up from visiting my mom (it's their spring break) and we are going to a Giants game. Hopefully I will be able to meet up with Renttecha and hear all about her travels through Australia and New Zealand (and sorry to disappoint - she was traveling with her man so there may not be any exciting sex stories to share, but knowing her there probably will be at least 5). In May I will be going to Tahoe for my sisters wedding and in June I will be going back to the Bay area to celebrate my 40th birthday (shudder to think) and watch my friend Dawn dance in her burlesque debut! It's been a lot of fun and I am sure the future trips will be great too.

I've also been on some emotional journey's lately too. I told the story of my uncle before and there has been some stuff going on with him lately. He apparently overdosed on pain medications (whether or not it was intentional depends on who you ask) and was hospitalized recently. It has been very difficult on my Grandmother as she lives with him and I have felt really bad for her. It must be difficult to watch your child go through something like this and even though I think he is a worthless piece of shit he is still her child. I hope that she is able to find some sort of peace but something tells me that as long as he is living there wont be any. What was interesting for me was that as soon as I heard he was doing bad and was in the hospital I felt this huge sense of relief. He has threatened to kill me and while I know logically that it probably wont happen it has always been in the back of my mind. When he dies the threat will die with him (at least to me) so I am actually looking forward to it. Sorry if that sounds morbid or bad, but it's how I feel. I FINALLY filed my divorce papers in February and am just waiting to get the final paperwork back with the judges signature on it so that I can close that chapter of my life as well. And while my Dad is still sick, he seems to be doing as good as can be expected - I went to lunch with him when I was visiting my sister in February and he looked really good. I am hoping that he will make it another couple years and that he will be able to get to know my kids better - I think they would like that too. Otherwise, things are plugging along. Allan & I are doing well, the boys are doing better in school, the dogs are spoiled rotten, and I am still hating my job. Oh well, you can't have everything - right? I hope you are all well and I will be posting photos from some of my recent trips on my blog - be sure to check them out.