So Cal Story - 2005 - The Year in Review

Well, I wish this letter was going to be filled with stories of exciting adventures, trips to far away places, and many life changing events, but 2005 was unfortunately a slow year for me in those areas. Instead you will get the scoop on a few events, some favorites of the year, and hopes that 2006 will be even more exciting.

January started off with the addition of our new dog "Buster" (the brown one) to the family. Our "puppy" experience with Mary (the black one) was horrendously awful (to say the least) so I wasn't really sure what to expect from "little Buster", but he was the polar opposite of Mary - he was simple to potty train and when compared to Mary was a complete dream. He has turned into a very sweet little boy and he & Mary get along quite well, so that particular gamble paid off. The first trip we took this year was to Lake Arrowhead for spring break. We have a friend that has an amazing cabin/house right on the lake so Allan, Justin, Andrew, Mary, Buster & I went up for 3 days and had a really great time. The week prior to going to the cabin I was diagnosed with diabetes and so far things are going really well with it (except for the weight I have put back on) - my blood sugar levels (and everything else they monitor) are all pretty close to normal and I am feeling much better. The summer started with us remodeling our master bathroom (see photos) - the construction part finished in August, and we just painted so as far as I am concerned it was just finished. We now have a bathtub that is 6feet long and deep enough to cover my fat ass, so I am happy. Andrew moved in with us in July and as you all know we had a very intense and hectic football season. Justin & Andrew's teams didn't have the greatest seasons, but they both were very successful on a personal level with Andrew winning Offensive Back MVP and Justin winning the coaches award for Most Improved Player, so it all was very worth it in the end. The only traveling I did during the summer was to Sacramento for a day to celebrate the 1st birthday of my niece Kylee - I flew in Sat afternoon and out Sunday, so I don't really consider that a trip. We spent Thanksgiving in the Bay area with my family (and I FINALLY got to spend some much needed time with my "Hoochie Mama" Beth which was excellent for my soul) and Christmas with Allan's family in Orange County which was a lot of fun. That's basically it in a nut shell, so on to some favorites:

Movie

Now that I am a full-time dad, my art house cinema days are pretty much done. What sucks about that is that I live in LA where EVERY movie plays at some point and time, but I just can't seem to make it. "Brokeback Mountain" was the movie I was looking most forward to, and while it is a beautifully made and acted film it just didn't move me like the story did when I first heard it (Allan read it to me early in our relationship and it really is a great story). I am in no way saying that it is a bad movie, it just didn't live up to my expectations after all of the hype. "Charlie & the Chocolate Factory" was one of my favorites (Johnny Depp just cracks me up) and "The Family Stone" is a movie I fell in love with. It was advertised as a screwball comedy, and in some ways is, but there is a story at the heart of the movie that really moved me. Sure, in some ways it had a predictable ending, but the cast is amazing and I just really ended up loving it. People were making a big fuss about "Crash" and frankly the movie left me feeling basically just annoyed - I thought the performances were amazing, but I just felt like I was being manipulated by the writing and it also started becoming very unbelievable with the way all of the characters were starting to overlap.

Music

It's all about the divas for me this year. Madonna released one of the best cd's ever ("Confessions..."), Mary J Blige's "The Breakthrough" is awesome, and while I would have been ashamed to admit this at one point in my life I really liked Mariah's "Emancipation of Mimi". I listened to a lot of different things this year and put most of it on to 2 cd's that I sent out to some of you in your holiday cards (if I didn't send one to you it was because I either thought you wouldn't like the music or you have kids and I didn't have a "Parental Advisory" label - if you are interested let me know and I will send them out to you).

Books

I didn't have much time to read this year, but I did manage to read a book that I loved. It is a memoir called "The Glass Castle" by Jeannette Walls. Jeannette had a beyond bizarre childhood and somehow managed to leave her parents' little shack in West Virginia to graduate from Barnard College and become a famous gossip columnist in New York. She tells a story about riding in the back of her town car to her apartment in New York only to pass her homeless mother digging in a trash can. I found this review by Lucianne Goldberg on the National Review website that I thought summed up best how I felt about the book:
"In interviews, Jeannette has said she was convinced that if she admitted to her real background, she would lose all her friends and even her job. Now, with the encouragement and emotional support of her writer husband, John Taylor, and her own extraordinary ability to relive pain, she has told that story.

Amazingly, for all the stomach-clenching disappointment, broken promises, humiliation, and relentless perversity on the part of her psychotic parents, this is a love story. As wacko as they were, as dangerously irresponsible (Jeanette burned herself terribly trying to cook a hot dog when she was three. Her father kidnapped her after six weeks in the hospital in order to skip out on the bill), Rex and Rose Mary loved their kids and that love was returned. That love illuminates the work like the stars Ray "gives" each child on a toyless, foodless Christmas night.

The Glass Castle will at times exhaust you, occasionally fill you with fury, and finally leave you in slack jawed wonderment at the resilience of the human spirit, the inborn need for family love and the remarkable strength of the author herself as Walls recounts her life free of self-pity or apology. She blames no one."

If you get the chance and are looking for a good read you should check this out.

So that's it from here. Sorry it wasn't more exciting. If you would like to share any of your favorites from the past year please feel free!

Ferris & Carrie

This past weekend my friend Dean was visiting from Florida. On Monday we took him to the mall @ Hollywood & Highland so that he could go to Virgin Megastore (although after seeing how small the store is we decided that the "Mega" should be removed from the store title) because they don't have one where he lives. It was brought to our attention that Matthew Broderick & Nathan Lane were getting their stars on the "Hollywood Walk of Fame" that day so we went. Also in attendance was Mrs. Broderick (aka Sarah Jessica Parker) and not only is she too cute for words, but she is TEENY TINY. Now ya'll know how much I love me some "Sex and the City" and how I truly adore her, but I was calm, cool & collected. I actually felt kind of bad for her - here she was trying to enjoy a special moment in her husbands life and there were a bajillion photographers standing around snapping her photo. She was definitely "on", but it was still great to see her "live". We were about 15 feet away.

Me 

So Cal Story - I Try (07/23/03)

Written 07/23/03

This past June I turned 37 years old. I have never been one to think much about getting older the way some people do. Age does not scare me - there are those defining numbers - 25, 30, 40, 50, and at this point there are none that I approach with dread. In high school I had friends who had milestones planned for themselves - by 23 to be finished with college; by 28 to be successful in their career; by 33 married and starting their family;and to make a fortune and retire by 55 when the kids are leaving for college so that they could finally REALLY enjoy their hard work. I had no such agenda. I think if you would have asked me back then what my goals were my response would have been something like "I want to leave this shit-hole of a town, go to a big city, say Chicago, and get totally lost. College? Maybe someday. Marriage? Hell NO! Kids? FUCK NO! Career? Huh?"

Fast forward almost 20 years (yikes, the 20 year reunion is next Summer). Did I leave the shit-hole town? Uh-huh. My mother writes my address in her book in pencil. Here's the list: Long Beach, San Rafael, San Francisco,Anaheim, Folsom, Rancho Cordova, Sacramento, San Francisco, Castro Valley,San Francisco, Anaheim, San Diego, Sacramento, Castro Valley, San Francisco,San Diego, Burbank - in that order in 16 years. Some big cities along the way, but since I was usually traveling with someone or towards someone I never really felt lost. College? I tried. I had zero support from the parental's, was living on my own in the shit-hole town, and had no car. I quickly learned that the person that was available got the most hours at work, so I dropped out. I did manage however to take a photography class and thus far it hasn't helped me at all. Marriage? Yep, and honestly, I should have listened to myself. Kids? Yes, and while there are moments when I feel like I should have listened to myself I have to admit that they provide me with so much joy. Career? Huh? This brings me to my resume. My job with the LifeCycle ended on June 30th which has forced me to spend time looking at my resume. Do you want a list? Starts with banking - 5 years in a branch. Next is HR - there are 3 companies in as many years. Next is Salon Manager - huh? Kind of random don't ya think? Next is a Temp HR job for 3 months. The temp thing became Perm, so there is that. Next is retail management - four months. Then customer service for a non-profit for 5 months. Confused yet? Imagine the look on the poor recruiters face when they are flipping through the stack of resumes they are reviewing and they come across that. I'm confused and it's mine! So do you understand why I answer the career question with "Huh?". I've tried different things and the only theme I see is customer service and even that is a stretch. I've been thinking so hard about what to do next that my brain feels like itis going to explode. I ask myself all of the right questions. What do you like to do? What are you qualified to do? What are you passionate about? And unless you know of a job where the requirements are surfing the internet and picking the next Miss USA, Miss America, or Miss Universe (which, for the record I was able to do for the last two pageants) I am hosed. HR? Nah- there is always too much shit happening in the background that no employee should know about. Retail? If it was Monday - Friday from 9 to 5 I would consider it. Non-profit? It would depend, but probably not. Too political and since people make shit for pay there are some SERIOUSLY lazy people working there. Prostitution? Remember - I'm 37 and way past the point of people being willing to pay. I am left with the following - the economy sucks, jobs are few and far between, and I am unemployed. So, what is a guy with no college education and what appears to be no drive or direction to do?I received a present for my birthday this year. It was from one of myfriends on this list. It is a book called "The Everything Creative Writing Book - all you need to know to write a novel, play, short story, screenplay,poem, or article". The other night I was reading it and came across a quote from Richard Rhodes, author of "How To Write" and it said "If you want to write, you can. Fear stops most people from writing, not lack of talent,whatever that is. Who am I? What right have I to speak? Who will listen to me if I do? You are a unique human being, with a unique story to tell, and you have every right. If you speak with passion, many of us will listen. We need stories to live, all of us. We live by story. Yours enlarges the circle." I know that many of you have said basically the same thing to me in the past, but for whatever reason I wasn't able to hear it until I read this. I had convinced myself that the only reason you guys like my stories is because you can hear my voice as you are reading it and since you are connected to me in some way, shape, or form it gives you pleasure. And that may be true. But what if this Richard dude is right?What if I were to write and put it out there for people that don't know me? Would people listen? I have decided to find out. I am going to continue to search for a job that will pay my bills and enable me to take care of my responsibilities, but I am also going to write. I don't know what yet, butI am going to stop being afraid to share it. And I would like to include you in the process so let me know if you are interested in participating. Oh, and by the way - Thank You VERY MUCH for the book Dean!

So Cal Story - One of Those Days (02/14/03)

(Originally written 02/14/03)

I woke-up pissed off yesterday. It was one of those things where you open your eyes and automatically know it's going to be a shit day. The night before I had gone to bed mad at the boyfriend - and the fact that he was cuddling up to me was just pissing me off more. Now those of you that know me well can only imagine this scene. I am usually fairly mellow, but piss me off and I become a bitch. Make that a FLAMING BITCH.

So the alarm goes off. Classical music fills the air. It's his choice, and honestly, it's not that bad to wake-up to. But today it just reminds me of that stupid beef commercial and annoys me instantly. I lay there thinking about the night before. He rolls over and puts his arm around me. I stiffen up and scoot further away. He tries to be nice and charming, I am non-responsive. He gets closer and kisses the back of my neck. I throw the covers off and mumble something about needing to get up. I stomp down the hall to the bathroom that isn't in our bedroom. While I am sitting on the bathroom counter pretending to be going to the bathroom he finally gives up, gets out of bed and gets into the shower. As soon as I hear the shower turn on in the other bathroom I flush the toilet, twice, hoping that it will take all of the cold water away momentarily. How fucked-up is that?

By the time I left for work we had worked everything out and I was in love again. But by being such a prick I had set the tone for the day. On my way to work it was raining, make that pouring, and all of the surface streets were flooded. I guess I got water in my distributor cap and so my truck starts vibrating and wont go faster than 30 miles an hour. Needless to say,I am late to work. As I am getting out in the parking lot I notice that the passenger side of my truck is flooded - apparently there is a leak somewhere and when it rains it comes inside. I go out at lunch, my truck still vibrating, I can't find parking. I finally land, go into McDonalds, and on my way out am approached by a homeless man wearing a blanket and carrying a KFC platter with chicken bones and mashed potatoes on it. Of course, he's got the mashed potatoes smeared all over his face. He asks me for .75 cents. When I say "no" he gets right in my face. It takes a second for it to register that this person is in my space, and when it does I am immediately scared and pissed. In SF the homeless people were annoying, but harmless, but this guy just looks crazy, and I am sure the mashed potatoes aren't helping my opinion of him. So I gather myself and say "get the fuck away from me" which, when dealing with crazy people probably isn't the best thing to do. He starts flipping out, I yell at him "get the FUCK out of my way!" and much to my surprise that just agitates him more. So there I am at Sunset and Vine at lunchtime with homeless KFC carrying, mash potato smeared face psycho man screaming at me. Oh, and it's raining and I don't have an umbrella.

I got into my truck and called Miss Creamcheese. I'm thinkin, if anyone can help me make sense of what just happened it's gonna be her. Well, fuck me if she aint gone out and got herself a real job. You know the kind - "I can't talk right now even though I am at lunch because I AM WORKING". Good for her, sucks for me. So I decided to call the complete opposite of Miss Cream Cheese and called my old co-worker Mary - as in Mary Sunshine. Mary(not her real name - you know the drill) is a girl that, no matter how dismal the situation, is going to see everything through rose colored glasses and will find the bright side. She believes in L-O-V-E love more than that dude from Moulin Rouge and is married to Mr. Perfect Wonderful. If I didn't like Mary she'd be one of those bitches that I would hate and love to make fun of. Anyhow, it was a good call because she made me smile and reminded me that life is good (thank you Mary - you know I love you!).

So I go back to work and the rest of the day is uneventful. Sometimes, while on the phone I go to Yahoo and see what the headlines are. It starts again. See, I love my reality TV. Survivor, The Bachlor-ette, CelebrityMole, Real World/Road Rules Challenge - you name it, I probably watch. So I am following American Idol this season and wouldn't ya know it - the ONE chick on that show that I love is getting the boot. Apparently she was involved with some porn thing. Damn it all to Hell anyway. Now, not only did I yell at my boyfriend on the eve of his father having quintuplet bypass surgery and a crazy homeless man in the rain with no umbrella, but Frenchie was getting kicked off of my favorite show for being a skanky ho. I got off the phone, turned off the computer, and vibrated myself home. A box of cookies later, I was feelin no pain.

I have clue-none why I am sharing this with ya'll. I guess it's my way ofresponding to all you bitches that wrote me back after my last email saying how my gushing about being in love was causing you to puke. See, my life aint all sunshine and roses and shit. But, for the record, I really didn't care if my happiness caused you to puke - all I can say is that if it truly did at least this time it wasn't drug induced. :-)

So Cal Story - It's Not Right, But It's OK (12/10/05)

(Written 12/10/05)

I wanted to say "thank you" to those of you that reached out to me after my last "So Cal" story to make sure I was doing ok. I probably should have started the story with an explanation of why I decided to share such a personal story in the first place and explained where I'm at (so-to-speak) emotionally now so as not to worry anyone, but I didn't, so my bad.

In a previous story I spoke of going to see comedian Julia Sweeny do a monolog about religion. The first time I went to see her I was with Allan and a friend of ours who happens to be a former "child star" that now has a successful career as a voice-over artist. After the show our friend requested that we wait in the theater to see if Julia was going to come out and visit with the audience. Sure enough she did, and the scene was really comical and embarrassing at the same time. My friend started rambling on to her about how she was "killing him softly" with her story (um, yeah) and then "casually" mentioned that he used to be on television as well and that they really should "do lunch" sometime. Allan & I were standing to the side trying to not be noticed when he then pointed at us and said that he was here with his friends - I've never wanted to be invisible more than that exact moment. Anyhow, we move in closer as do some other audience members and she is telling us about how the show came about and whatnot. Part of the monolog described how she had gone through a bad breakup and was completely heartbroken. One night she was particularly upset and praying to God asking him to please help her feel better when she had a "vision". I can't recall exactly what happened next, but it had really struck me that she was SO BRAVE for being so honest in telling her story - not only about the "vision", but about other aspects of her life as well. Sure, some of it could have been made up, but most people wouldn't admit to something like that happening regardless if it was true or not. So I mentioned to her that I write stories about my life that I share with a group of people via email and that sometimes I struggle with how honest to be. I asked her if it was hard for her to not only put it down on paper, but then to share it night after night with a bunch of strangers. She told me (and I am paraphrasing) that yeah, at first it is hard to know how much to share but that in telling the personal stuff it becomes less about her and the emotions and it becomes the details that are part of the story (or something like that).

True, I am not standing on a set and telling 100 random strangers the personal details of my life, but in talking/writing about my uncle my hope was that it would help me look at the situation, figure out what I felt about it, put it in writing and then move on - the details would just become part of my own personal story. While it might be painful or embarrassing to expose the details of the difficulties I have encountered along the way, what I got out of what she said to me was that in doing so it might become less painful/embarrassing if I could just look at it as one of the many stories about my life. And it has. I honestly haven't even thought about my uncle, his cancer, our past or any of the details of it since writing that story except to reply to some of your posts. So again, I apologize if the story was a big "over-share" or if I caused you to be concerned, but I figured that if I was going to take the time to write these stories about the things I have experienced, the struggles I face, the things I am passionate about, or interested in than I might as well be honest.

So where am I right now? I am extremely happy. Sure, I hate my job and feel like I have clue-none where my life is going, but I have a person in my life that loves me more than I ever thought I could be loved and my kids live with me, so I can’t ask for much more. My only complaint is that it seems like I am losing touch with my “gayness” and the gay community. Sure, I’m a big queen and it would be impossible to lose it completely, but being a part of the football booster club and having my social life consisting solely of going to high school & pee-wee football games makes it hard to keep up with what is fabulous. So I am also in a place where I am trying to find some balance between providing a safe, nurturing environment for my kids where they can thrive and (hopefully) become decent adults, developing my relationship with Allan, figuring out what my life means and where it’s going, and most of all being true to myself. Part of that process is writing these stories and examining what is going on in my head and heart, and then sharing it with people that I consider to be my friends and family. So thank you for listening. I chose this song as the title of this story because some of what I’ve been through is not right, but I really am ok.

Also, one of you wrote and said that you weren’t sure how to respond sometimes to my stories – do I want feedback? Am I looking for a discussion? Are you just supposed to listen? The answer is completely up to you. Yes, I’d love feedback and if I get enough responses to a particular story I’d love to have a “discussion” about it, but if you just want to listen that is fine as well. Some of you have been getting these “stories” from the beginning and I used to send out surveys every once in a while and would then write stories based on your responses – let me know if you’d be interested in participating and I might do that again.